2011年3月31日 How stupid are people?

Its gets on my nerves so horribly. On Monday I stuffed two bags of iron fillings and four weight in my underwear to fool the scale and I drank 16 ounces of water and I was able to trick it so it read 97lbs. Ever since then my other thinks I'm "cured" because she saw the scale number, even though I'm still 86lbs...I bothers me so much, with all of her comments of "you look so much healthier" "you don't look sickly anymore" yet I'm the SAME WEIGHT!!! I don't get it >____<;;;; I hate hearing these comments of being "healthy" because I'm not, I'm more miserable than ever being this fat I want to be 75lbs I want to be in my safe zone.

2011年3月27日 Well another failing in all ascpets of life. . .

Another wonderful post...purged six times this weekend, and tried to purge a seventh time but ended up hacking up blood T____T I can't even starve myself properly left alone vomit... I feel so depressed. I missed out on a chance to get a gorgeous doll, but I was too stupid and didn't check my email in time and she was sold before I even got a chance. The only way I can rationalize that is by simply saying I deserved that fail, because I don't deserve to have such a gorgeous doll. I hate myself, I truly do. If there was a way to simply curl into the tightest ball and let the earth swallow me I'd certainly do such this very minute. Its miserable being this fat, everything is an effort of will not to run to the kitchen and drink a gallon of milk or water or shove eight cookies down my mouth. I've realized I simply have to realize that emptiness is not something that can be filled up. And if I ever attempt to fill it up (i.e. with food) I'll just be full and uncomfortable--nothing more. I won't be happy, or calm, or satisfied I'll feel just as miserable as I was empty, if not even more miserable and depressed. I'd rather collect all of the calories I didn't eat than eat at all.

~Mireille

2011年3月19日 Can I just wish myself thin? It would make me very happy.

Urgh I am disgusting the combined calories from today and yesterday amounted to 699!! I didn't even have the heart to weigh myself. I looked at a picture of myself I took in January when I was 80lbs...

Yes this is me. Or more correctly this was me. Urgh I hate myself for gaining 6lbs T______T I was so close to getting into the 70lb range. (To all of your pervert who are looking at this go fuck yourself! I have no intention to arouse your perverted and distorted dick!) And yes I love hello kitty~  If only I could loose weight by simply thinking...

Mireille

2011年3月17日 spring time flushing

    Its been miserable trying to flushing all of the excess water out of me that I had to drink for Monday's weigh-in. For some reason the sensation of being thirsty and hungry is so accomplishing. My current foe-food has been fat-free milk; its so tempting to drink the entire gallon *____*

     I'm afraid of weighing myself. If I'm 86lbs I'd cry...I just hate the feeling of fat cells growing to make me a giant undefinable thing.

2011年3月14日 I feel like half a house....

Urgh...
    Had to "weigh-in" today. This amounted to me drinking 16 ounces of water, 8 ounces of milk, two mini muffins, and 1/4th of a bagel >_____< Then I ate three mini-meatballs for dinner. My stomach is crying in pain. Urgh at least this is the start of a new cycle of ABC just finished day 50 on Sunday. I feel like half of a house because I'm fat, but I'm not a functioning enough person and feel as if I'm lacking major parts. Its like having a house without insulated walls or a foundation.
     I'm so sad my thighs touch when I lean backwards a foot. I use to be able to lean backwards and never feel my thighs together...Just a few more weeks of this 85lbs bull and then I'm running back to 80lbs and hopefully beyond and down to 75lbs.

     I love this picture of Urajevskaya she reminds me of the ballerina Plisetskaya! Urajevskaya's arms are so perfect, I aspire to have them so thin! On the topic of ballet, I'm so happy to be accepted to the Joffrey's summer program again with the possibility of doing a two week intensive at the Bolshoi Academy in Moscow *dreams*!!
 

Mireille